Susannah Stomping Diaries-12:51am 12/14/11

Susannah, WHAT JUST HAPPENED in your place???? I thought the ceiling was going to cave in. Now I just hear what sounds like walking around. And a voice...Andi once told me when you guys get crazy you sometimes jump up and down on the floor and yell, "April B!!!!!" Is that what is happening?

Seriously, what are you doing right now?

12:51am

xo,

April B

Susannah's response:

"I read your post so I decided to say hi. My friend is over and we are walking about with wine."

My 2nd Grade Christmas Journal Entries

Since Susannah is either not home or wearing slippers at the moment, here is more literary gold from my 2nd Grade journal.

Dec. 3 "Christmas is hear and I'm glad. I licke Christmas you get toys. But I like Christmas because it is Jesuses Birthday." (Jesus is spelled with a backwards "J")

Dec. 9 "Only 14 days until Christmas. I can't wait. Christmas Eve is here in only 14 days. I want a doll, unicorn, teddy bear, clothes, She-er Cristle. ("She-er Cristle" I think means "She-ra Castle." I did get it. But I'm still waiting for the Unicorn.

Dec. 11 "I smell Christmas smells and this is what I smell-chocolete, canndy can pie, and that is what I smell."

Suannah Stomping Diaries 12.9 #3

We have an answer! Susannah just Facebooked me the following:

"Hahah i'm semi-dancing (can u hear the music? i've repeated this song about 9 times) and i'm getting dressed to have a friendly visit with my ATTORNEY ! -I'm also semi-organizing my stuff to babysit Eden tonight- I have witch above the ankle black boots on (forgive me)"

You are forgiven Sudah. Because I CAN hear your music, and I approve. xoxo

Susannah Stomping Diaries 12.9

NOW what are you doing Susannah? My guess is hammering or marching?

The Susannah Stomping Diaries #1

I love my upstairs neighbor, the fab Susannah "Sudah" Jones.

But Susannah is a stomper. Fortunately I really don't mind. She's asked me to call if it ever bothers me, but I never have because it really doesn't. But it DOES fascinate me. Most loud neighbors have a pattern. I can't figure out Susannah's. So because I have not been blogging much lately, and Susannah agreed to it, I am going to use this blog to figure out what the heck Susannah is doing!

12:45pm: Susannah, are you okay? It sounds like you fell over.

12:59pm: Okay, now it sounds like you are just walking around, so I guess you are okay.

More from my 2nd Grade self

Because this is so much easier than making up something to blog about right now. And probably explains why I turned out to be a cat person:

I got a new dog. She jumpes up on people. But wen we got her she did not jumpe. Her name is menndy. She is a jermon shepered. She is still a puppey. But she dose not look like one.

Note: The illustration I drew is me running away from Mandy and yelling "Help Mom!"

Sucks to be a garbage can

A more philosophical entry from the 2nd grade journal. This entry appears above a xeroxed drawing of a garbage can labeled "garbage can" and a cat peeking out from behind, which is glued to the page.

If I were a garbage can I would be graet use to the people in the city. I would hold great loads of trash. Every week men would take away the loads of garbage. I would hold tin cans, candy-wapers, old glass bodls, papars, and other things. I would be very smelly. Cats would get in me and eat old roten food. They also would nock the lid off of me. Nothing would be fun.

My teacher gave me a check mark, a smiley face, and wrote "very descriptive" on this one. I want to know if the other kids had to write about being garbage cans or if they got better pictures glued to their pages. And if they got smiley faces too. And why the teacher wanted me to think about what it was like to be a garbage can.

I was a literary child prodigy

Just in case you have doubted my writing talent up to this point, check out this little gem from my 2nd grade journal (which I found while cleaning out boxes in my closet on orders from my Mother)

Once on a rainy spring day a small cat was running through the woods. Help! Help! she shouted. The big dog is chaseing me. A little squerle heard her and said climb my tree and come into my house. So the small cat climbed up and went into the squerles small hole in the tree safe and warm. Just then a big black dog walked by. He called to the squerle have you seen a small cat I lost her sent in this rain. Yes said the squerle she ran that way. the dog ran away. Oh thank you said the cat. But the squerle said wait. "come and live with me so the cat did later the some kittens were born. there in the hole the squerle and the cat raised there babys and lived there forever.

The End

A scary life and death chase! An unlikely friendship between species! Cat-Squirrel hybrid babies! Can you imagine the possibilities if I had just been able to spell "squirrel"???

If you're a boy you might want to skip this one....

Because it is about going to the Lady Doctor. I don't know any ladies who don't dread this annual visit...here are my theories as to why:

First, 89% of the waiting room is really, really pregnant and I'm always terrified one of them will go into labor at any second.

Second, all the magazines have to do with parenting and babies, two subjects that still terrify me at this point in my life.

Third, no matter how many anti-anxiety meds I take beforehand, there is some sort of force that negates their effectiveness from the second I walk in the door.

Fourth, they weigh you.

After this trauma, you are asked to pee in a cup. WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. Then you have to walk out of the bathroom holding your clear pee-cup with your name on it, a walk of shame much more embarrassing than the college version.

You are then sometimes asked to tell the nurse what other prescription drugs you are taking, VERBALLY, and I would really prefer that the other three patients and five nurses within earshot not know this information.

After this, you are led to the room of ultimate humiliation and scariness. You are handed a smock that only comes down to your waist and instructed to undress completely and put it on "open side in front." To cover your other lady parts, there is simply a huge sheet resembling the largest paper towel ever to use as a blanket.

Did I mention it's always FREEZING in the room of ultimate humiliation and scariness?

Then....you wait. There are not even baby or parenting magazines to distract you, so all you have to do is try not to stare at the scary posters on the wall of female anatomy, STD pamphlets, and the frightening, unfamiliar, and extremely sharp metal objects that will soon be inserted up your vagina. I recommend mentally "going to your happy place" during this time, although I have never been able to achieve this myself.

Then your doctor comes in and makes small talk about the weather, your job, etc. and you try to answer without thinking about the fact that he/she is feeling up your breasts and sticking things inside of your stuff, aka, how you are basically being medically molested.

FINALLY it's over. You are allowed to dress and slink out, trying not to make eye contact with the next poor girl coming in as you are going out, or at least not look too traumatized. I always say a silent prayer for her, as I know exactly how she's feeling and what is in store for her. Poor soul.

Movin' on up

Most of you probably already know this, but just in case, one of the more fascinating tidbits of my life (not really to me, but to other people it’s a definite “conversation starter”) is that I work as a body parts model. NO, not THOSE parts, dirty mind! Specifically, I started as a foot model, literally kicked my way into the world of leg modeling via a tampon commercial, and most recently my cute little hands are featured in an AT&T commercial, also featuring the band Blink 182 (of mid to late 90’s fame).

Life is funny. I spend a substantial amount of my time working on my acting career, yet this little body parts modeling thing has become quite lucrative, literally paying my bills the last year or so. So since I’ve gone from feet, to legs, to hands, and skipped all the unmentionables, perhaps someone would actually be interested in my FACE sometime in the near future? Eh, eh??? Any takers???? Not that I’m desperate or anything.

The people you meet at Starbucks (or on airplanes)

Yesterday I went to Starbucks for a nice relaxing break with my triple mocha and a good book. Unfortunately for me, the only available seat was across from a Comic con-obsessed former hippie. I REALLY wanted to finish my book, but there's no way it could compete with this guy.

He told me his business mantra was "Artistic Conception to hard working action." Awesome. He also proceeded to unroll a 6 ft banner by a "world-famous muralist" and tell me all about the funding he had from many large companies to fund Comic Con murals all over the world, the real deal Comic con from the 70s, not that bullshit they do now.

He also told me that he is doing a documentary the behind-the-scenes documentary of comic con. A documentary within a documentary, if you will. And how he pulled himself up by his bootstraps to achieve this level of success. He asked what I did, and then offered me some of valuable nuggets of wisdom: I too, can achieve the same level of success if I write and produce instead of just acting, but only as long as I don't date producers or directors.

If this guy wrote a book, I would totally take it to Starbucks and read it.

I will haunt you if anyone does this to me

Did you guys know that if you get cremated they will ship you through the mail?

I saw this woman in line at the post office mailing the ashes of her dearly beloved recently deceased. How did I know that's what she was mailing? Because they were in a ZIPLOCK BAG. Is that weird to anyone else?

Apparently that is the only way you're allowed to ship your dead relatives. Which seems a little creepy to me but I guess there's no getting around it sometimes, like, if you are shipping them to Europe (she was).

But in a ZIPLOCK BAG???? I find this disrespectful, disturbing, weird, etc. but I would have to invent a new adjective to fully describe just how much this freaks me out.

So just to put it out there, I prefer not to be creamated at all. But if someone allows this and then just pours me into a ziplock bag instead of the Tiffany crystal vase I deserve, I will make them pay dearly from the afterlife.

I WILL wear a costume to your party

This weekend I got to dress up not ONCE, but TWICE!!! Friday was a masquerade party. I tried my darndest to pull off dressing up like a peacock while staying within the confines of "cocktail attire." Feel free to comment on how well you think I did...

Saturday was a double-party day, and one of them sort of had to do with St. Patrick's Day so I dressed up as....what else??? Holly Madison on a mission to seduce a leprechaun, of course. I asked my friends if it was too much. I'm not sure if they lied to me or not, but I wore those knee socks all day. There is no photographic evidence of this, but don't worry...I'm sure I''ll find an excuse to wear it again.

All of this to say...be forewarned: If you invite me to a party with any sort of theme, I will interpret it as a costume party and show up that way. Also, my apologies to all the celebs whose clothes I critique on this blog. Although, in my defense, paparrazzi don't follow me around and take pics of me when I'm dressed crazy.

Tootin' my horn

You guys, March is going to be a pretty amazing month for me.

First, come to my graduation show from level 201 at Upright Citizens Brigade on March 13 at 1:3opm. Yes, I realize it's only level 201. Also, you should realize I have also attended your shows as well that may or may not have sucked. This show could be bad or amazing. My classmates are pretty dang funny. So, suck it up and come, and if you do I'll let you come to the party I'm throwing on the roof of Hollywood Tower for the class.

You should also come to my very first red carpet premier, "Head Over Spurs in Love" playing March 24 at 7 pm at the Majestic Theatre in Westwood. Let me know and I'll put you on the guest list. This is your only chance to see my honest reaction to a vibrator (but no, it's not that kind of movie!)

Also, my leg is in a tampon commercial. See my Facebook page.

xoxo,

April

Good Intentions...

Me: Andi, my car won't start. Do you know anyone that has jumper cables?

Andi: No, sorry boo.

Me: God obviously doesn't want me at church this morning.

Andi: No, the DEVIL doesn't want you to go to church.

The Birds and the Bees...

Someone seriously needs to have this conversation with Young Hollywood.

Why do so many celebs get knocked up? We live in an age where people have their choice of sophisticated birth control methods, and as expensive as some of them are, I'm pretty sure their SAG insurance will cover it.

"Accidents" do happen once in a while, but it just seems like these people are not trying very hard. Does anyone else still agree that it's a pretty good idea to get married or at least decide this person is your Life Partner before ETERNALLY linking yourself with significant-other-of-the-month by having a baby with them?

Case in Point: NATALIE PORTMAN, who felt the need to make sure we all knew exactly what happened during her Golden Globes acceptance speech, just in case anyone was still confused....others include: Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson, Katie Holmes, Nicole Richie, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, and that model chick that had a baby with Matthew McConaughey.

I know these people have loads of money, can hire someone to raise the kid, and have big enough homes to just put it in another wing of the house entirely and be able to forget it even exists once they get bored with being a mom, but I still can't believe one could have such a blase attitude about being responsible for the creation of another human being.

Also, ladies, I hear having a baby totally ruins your figure and you can only fix so much with surgery. Even if a girl's moral compass is completely broken, surely THAT still matters????

Oh, Kelly, No

When I heard that Kelly Osbourne was now hosting E!'s "Fashion Police" I thought it was a joke. But the girl has really worked through all the fashion issues that come from being Ozzy's offspring, and I must admit, she cleans up well. Well done Kelly. I'm a fan.

But this, Kelly, THIS:

This reminds me of when Courtney Love took a swing at classing it up a few years ago, and was sooooo close but missed it by a hairbrush and a badly placed lipstick swipe.

"Fashion Police" is an uber-catty show in which the hosts throw out combinations of the best of compliments and the worst insults you've ever heard about another human being's clothing choices, often in the same breath. If you have the balls to rip apart a couture gown worn by an Oscar-winning actress on national television, then frankly Kelly, you're going to have to look a lot better than this while you're doing it.

This particular shot is from the episode during which they critiqued the Golden Globes red carpet. That episode would have been WAY more entertaining if Joan Rivers had stopped in the middle of the show and announced they were now going to have an INTERVENTION with Kelly about puffed sleeves, proper fit, hair and makeup, how you should donate or burn ugly bridesmaid's dresses immediately after the wedding, and under no circumstances should they ever appear in public again, let alone on a nationally televised show.

But I'm still proud of your progress Kelly O. Keep it up!

Aunty April hosts a slumber party

My 9 year old niece, her friend, and my 5 year old nephew came over to spend the night with "Aunty April" (yes, they really call me that...makes me sound 90, I know).

I began by bragging that I know people who know Saleena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and all the other stars of "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Sonny with a Chance." Now I am faced with enormous pressure to produce autographed 8x10s of the stars next time I come home.

Next, I led them in a game of chase, ending in all four of us being chastised by my Mom for running in the house. We downgraded to hide-and-seek, but that didn't go much better.

I then thought it would be a good idea to make them ice-cream, which Mom insisted we eat in the kitchen. I also gave them second helpings. I now realize this means we'll be awake until 5 am.

We then went outside to check the snow and hosted a weather report for Pap and Mia, but not before my niece proceeded to leap 3 feet from our back porch into the ice/snow, and I nearly strangled my nephew in an effort to keep him from doing the same....

I also participated in a Barbie fashion show, a game of dominoes where you actually just build things, and then proceeded to give ALL of them makeovers, even my nephew, whom I know will hate me for that in 10 years.

I am now the coolest "aunty" ever, and even more convinced that I never want to babysit and will be a terrible mother.

Enough Weather-girl!!!

Unless your cable is out because of it, I'm sure you are aware the that for the second time in less than a month, the South is in the throes of a pretty huge snowstorm. (My favorite nickmame for it so far is "Snowpacolypse 2011").

We're all pretty dang excited about it, especially me because living in SoCal I now see less snow than even before.

I'll admit we Southerners go a little crazy at the mention of snow...suddenly cleaning out the grocery of bread and milk, demanding the closure of school and work for any accumulation over an inch, etc. And because of this we take a lot of ribbing from our Yankee neighbors and Northern trasplants for our silly behavior.

But I have to say, I've been glued to the Weather Channel all day, and Weather-chick is getting under my skin right about now. She's simultaneously covering the "sledding" going on at Piedmont Park and mocking said sleds, which are actually pieces of cardboard, inner-tubes, sheets of plexiglass, and about anything else we can get our hands on that will send us flying down a snow-covered hill. In one of her more southern-moments she remarked she'd "never heard of such!" She also didn't understand why there weren't more snow plows out.

Listen lady. We are sledding down the hill with deflated pool floats because we don't HAVE sleds. We don't want to go to work because we don't know how to drive in the snow. Most of us have never even seen snow-chains or whatever the heck you put on your tires to drive around in this stuff. Our DOT doesn't have snow-plows either. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SNOW HERE!!!! Which you should know, since I'm hoping you went to some sort of weather school or training before they put you on the air.

Thanks for letting me vent guys. Now get back to your snow angels and hot cocoa!