2009 College Football Season Obituary

This football season started optimistically for me, and quickly turned ugly. My Dawgs tumbled from their precariously high perch in the rankings early in the season, and my secondary love Auburn soon followed...the downward spiral continued throughout the fall until I finally found myself today in what my family would consider the 7th Circle of Hell, A.K.A. 5 hours trapped in an airplane full of Bama fans.

The final nail in the coffin, so to speak, is giving up precious sleep time my poor jet-lagged body craved to watch Alabama win a national title. Yes, I'm "going rogue" as an SEC fan in not pulling for my conference, but I was trained to hate Alabama from early childhod, much the same way I imagine the Isrealites and Palestinians train their young, so I really have no choice.

R.I.P. 2009 Football Season...you will not be missed.

Happy New Year

This New Year's Eve, celebrate with me the end of a decade of the WORST NYE accessory ever:

Happy 2010 everyone!

Puzzle this out with me...

Today I was standing in an uncharacteristically long line at the ATM, and I used the time to ponder the fashion statement of the woman in front of me. It was actually more of a run-on sentence than a statement:

Air dried virgin hair=granola

Faux coach purse=cares about labels, or maybe a gift from a friend who recently went to NYC or somewhere else similarly famous for selling knock-off bags to overly-eager tourists.

Claw clip attached to purse strap= (I have no translation for this one...it gives me a headache to ponder)

Belted no label jeans circa 1995=I don't shop

Sketchers with green laces=closet shoe shopper

So do I have this translation right?

"I'm a granola girl who doesn't care about clothes, except maybe shoes and purses, but I would NEVER admit to that...I also have friends who give really crappy gifts."

This is the fashion equivalent of those cars that are quite entertaining to be stuck behind at a long traffic light, because the driver has felt the need to express their views to the world via bumper sticker on religion, politics, sports, and while they're at it, also let you know what school their child attends and that he/she made honor roll.

Whew! Let's keep it simpler, shall we?

Is this OCD?

So I was sitting by this girl in class today, and her hairy legs were REALLY bugging me. I couldn't concentrate the whole time, I could only think about how I wanted to wax her legs. Not personally of course. But I definitely wanted to arrange to have it done.

Does anyone else worry about other people's personal hygeine habits? Its just the Mother Teresa in me, I guess.

I'm thinking of breaking up with Juicy...

Dear Juicy Couture,

I love you. I really do.

But it's me or the henious romper.

Think long and hard about this before you answer me, JC. Do you really want to throw everything away over a tacky little fashion fling?

You choose.

xoxo,

April

DIY Skank-o-ween Costume

Most girls actually dress alike on Halloween...as a skank. They feel creative or different ("I'll be a SEXY Disney Princess...how ironic! I'm so clever!"), but their costumes all look alike as they seem to be a skanky version of some sort of fictional character or animal.

If you're interested in being a Skank version of your favorite fictional character or animal next year, here is the formula head to toe:

1. Get a wig that matches your character's hair, and add a tiara, antenna, etc. as required.

2. Apply makeup as though you are auditioning for a part as a hooker, and then add 25% more. Be sure to use false eyelashes and tons of glitter.

3. If you are a character, buy the dress and cut it as short as possible. I saw more butt-cheeks on Hollywood Blvd. on Halloween than I imagine one would see in a strip club, so there's no limit to how short you can go! Underwear optional.

4. If your character doesn't have a dress or you are a skanky animal, buy a skimpy leotard.
If you run out of time, don't worry, you can always be-dazzle your favorite push-up bra. Add a too-short tutu or skirt. Although, Halloween 2009 seemed to continue Lady Gaga's no-pants trend.

5. Legwear: Fishnet thigh-highs. Bonus points for neon colors.

6. Don't forget your 6" platform stripper heels!

Last minute mirror check: Can you see both cleavage and butt-cheeks? Great! Now step outside...are you freezing? Good! You're all set!

I take back what I said about pants being the devil...this is waaay worse.

I've been catching up on www.gofugyourself.com and am really concerned about all the misuse/abuse of pantyhose & tights. I am a huge fan of hose and tights, but this is all very grandmotherly...in, like, every other photo. Look and learn from the mistakes of others.

I am even more concerned that the new Hollywood trend is RIPPED TIGHTS or LEGGINGS. Ripped horizontally of course. Presumably to let the world know that no, in fact that is not a run, and that your legwear is ripped up on purpose because you are just that avant-garde.