Happy New Year

This New Year's Eve, celebrate with me the end of a decade of the WORST NYE accessory ever:

Happy 2010 everyone!

Puzzle this out with me...

Today I was standing in an uncharacteristically long line at the ATM, and I used the time to ponder the fashion statement of the woman in front of me. It was actually more of a run-on sentence than a statement:

Air dried virgin hair=granola

Faux coach purse=cares about labels, or maybe a gift from a friend who recently went to NYC or somewhere else similarly famous for selling knock-off bags to overly-eager tourists.

Claw clip attached to purse strap= (I have no translation for this one...it gives me a headache to ponder)

Belted no label jeans circa 1995=I don't shop

Sketchers with green laces=closet shoe shopper

So do I have this translation right?

"I'm a granola girl who doesn't care about clothes, except maybe shoes and purses, but I would NEVER admit to that...I also have friends who give really crappy gifts."

This is the fashion equivalent of those cars that are quite entertaining to be stuck behind at a long traffic light, because the driver has felt the need to express their views to the world via bumper sticker on religion, politics, sports, and while they're at it, also let you know what school their child attends and that he/she made honor roll.

Whew! Let's keep it simpler, shall we?

Is this OCD?

So I was sitting by this girl in class today, and her hairy legs were REALLY bugging me. I couldn't concentrate the whole time, I could only think about how I wanted to wax her legs. Not personally of course. But I definitely wanted to arrange to have it done.

Does anyone else worry about other people's personal hygeine habits? Its just the Mother Teresa in me, I guess.

I'm thinking of breaking up with Juicy...

Dear Juicy Couture,

I love you. I really do.

But it's me or the henious romper.

Think long and hard about this before you answer me, JC. Do you really want to throw everything away over a tacky little fashion fling?

You choose.

xoxo,

April

DIY Skank-o-ween Costume

Most girls actually dress alike on Halloween...as a skank. They feel creative or different ("I'll be a SEXY Disney Princess...how ironic! I'm so clever!"), but their costumes all look alike as they seem to be a skanky version of some sort of fictional character or animal.

If you're interested in being a Skank version of your favorite fictional character or animal next year, here is the formula head to toe:

1. Get a wig that matches your character's hair, and add a tiara, antenna, etc. as required.

2. Apply makeup as though you are auditioning for a part as a hooker, and then add 25% more. Be sure to use false eyelashes and tons of glitter.

3. If you are a character, buy the dress and cut it as short as possible. I saw more butt-cheeks on Hollywood Blvd. on Halloween than I imagine one would see in a strip club, so there's no limit to how short you can go! Underwear optional.

4. If your character doesn't have a dress or you are a skanky animal, buy a skimpy leotard.
If you run out of time, don't worry, you can always be-dazzle your favorite push-up bra. Add a too-short tutu or skirt. Although, Halloween 2009 seemed to continue Lady Gaga's no-pants trend.

5. Legwear: Fishnet thigh-highs. Bonus points for neon colors.

6. Don't forget your 6" platform stripper heels!

Last minute mirror check: Can you see both cleavage and butt-cheeks? Great! Now step outside...are you freezing? Good! You're all set!

I take back what I said about pants being the devil...this is waaay worse.

I've been catching up on www.gofugyourself.com and am really concerned about all the misuse/abuse of pantyhose & tights. I am a huge fan of hose and tights, but this is all very grandmotherly...in, like, every other photo. Look and learn from the mistakes of others.

I am even more concerned that the new Hollywood trend is RIPPED TIGHTS or LEGGINGS. Ripped horizontally of course. Presumably to let the world know that no, in fact that is not a run, and that your legwear is ripped up on purpose because you are just that avant-garde.

More post-labor day white atrocities

If you and I are Facebook buds, I'm sure you saw my post about NOT wearing white bike shorts to the gym...or really anywhere.

Well, people, she's back! She was there again yesterday...at least I hope it was the same girl. Please tell me there is not more than one person in this town that would not realize that this is a bad idea. And now all of L.A. Fitness knows waaay more about her waxing habits than we care to.

And worse, as I left I saw ANOTHER girl in line at the Knitting Factory wearing a WHITE dress, skin-tight, ruched, made of cheap-and-therefore-slightly-see-through fabric. Dear Lord.

My eyes are hurt and confused. First, we are in Hollywood where if you're not wearing black you are probably a tourist. Second, it is after Labor Day... Third, are you even allowed to wear white in the Knitting Factory?

Pssst...Blake! Your hairstylist HATES you.

Honey, your hairstylist totally has it out for you.

Your dress and yourself are super hot. That dress deserves way better hair.

Instead, we have an unfortunately placed ponytail that evokes a conehead effect, and then it's BRAIDED??? WTF???

And it's not even a good braid...it's all messy and coming loose and really needs to be re-done.

Actually, NO. Don't. Just take it down and shake it out. Shake it off, and move on down that carpet. After you fire your hairstylist...

A straggly, messy braid? At the Emmys? Seriously???

To the Manager of Big Wangs Hollywood

Dear Big Wangs person-in-charge-of-the-TVs:

First, kudos for putting the UGA game and TX game on side by side, with the AU game adjacent, so my friends and I could all sit at the same table together in peace as none of us were playing each other this week.

But I'm really going to need you to keep the sound on one of the games as long as there is a college football game going on.

And please, do not ever again under any circumstances, put the sound on a homo-erotic wrestling match featuring grown men wearing speedos, oiled up and writhing around in sexually-suggestive positions.

Actually, it would be awesome if you just wouldn't put this gay-porn-disguised-as-a-sport on any of your TVs ever again.

Xoxo,

Me

Pick-up Lines that don't work...

...but are there any that do?

All of these have actually been said to me or one of my friends, in the last couple of weeks...

"You have a boyfriend? Oh, I have a girlfriend too, but for you, I could forget her."

"When you walked in the door, I saw a halo around you."

"You are a very attractive human being...I hope you get the part."

"You already have dinner plans? Then cancel them."

"I'd really like to f*** you."

Yikes.

I recommend introducing yourself and offering to buy her a drink. I promise this will produce much better results than any of the above.

But for the Grace of God...

I managed to almost kill about 6 people during my 10 minute, 1.5 mile drive to work this morning, including:

Guy that waits til my light turns GREEN to cross. (At least he gets the whole crosswalk thing. A lot of people here don't. He just has it backwards.)

Guy riding his bike down the middle of the road, and occasionally veering directly into oncoming traffic.

Camo-wearin' shopping cart pushin' neighborhood scary guy that doesn't do sidewalks. Ever.

Chick walking her dog & apparently completely oblivious to the sound of my gated garage opening and my car engine.

God obviously wants to keep these people alive. Their work here is not done.

The Virtues of Dresses (or the Evils of Pants)

First, I'd like to point out that for thousands of years women wore dresses. This pants thing has only been going on for the last 50 years or so.

Also, the people who encouraged women to wear pants are the same ones who thought burning our bras was a good idea. Does that sound like a group of people capable of giving sound fashion advice?

Dresses & skirts are just simpler & sexier. As long as it's not too tight, short, or see-through, you are good.

Pants on the other hand...there are so many things that can go wrong I can't even list them all here. Just look around next time you're in public and you'll see what I mean. Play it safe, ladies!

Fashionista goes to Confession...

I spend a lot of time telling the rest of you how to dress on this blog. Recently, one of my BFFs told me she was afraid I was going to feature her in a future blog because of a fashion faux paux and it made me feel a little guilty. (First of all, I would never be that obvious!) Especially if you're a BFF, I'd pull you in the corner and straighten you out in private if you needed it.

But I also felt guilty because well, I'm not perfect either. My confessions:

1. Overdone makeup, particularly Eyes & Lips.
It makes me feel quite Marilyn-esqe. And Marilyn is my absolute favorite, and I aspire to emulate her in all areas. (except for the OD of course).

Oh, and I also like those really bright pinky-coral lipsticks that only grandmothers wear...

And also, whenever someone does my makeup for a shoot or whatever, my first instinct is to run to the bathroom and add extra mascara and a bright lipstick. OKAY, moving on...

2. I overdress for almost everything...work, church, the grocery, going out. I dress up on airplanes. I wore a black dress and heels to a sports bar last Saturday. I fancy myself to be setting an example in an increasingly overly-casual world. A lone voice crying out in the wilderness, if you will...

3. UGGS 4-EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With everything.

4. I hate belts. I'm pretty sure there is a rule about wearing belts with pants with beltloops if your shirt is tucked in or some whatnot, because my college roommate used to always try to make me wear one. But I've spent so much time telling myself that's stupid, I've succeeded in believing my own lies.

5. Overaccessorizing. I know Chanel said that after you dress, look in the mirror and take off one accessory, but its SO HARD. And that's SO BAD for me, because as Instyle is constantly reminding me, this could "overpower my petite frame."

6. I wear high heels with minis and teensy, tiny little shorts. Supposedly this places me in grave danger of looking trashy & cheap. I say its the shape of your legs and the quality of the heels that count!

7. Cleavage at work...and church. I know. Inappropriate. BUT, I'm doing it with an A-cup. I consider it an accomplishment that I can even create cleavage with my assets at all, and I'm too proud of myself to worry about it being a faux paux.

8. VPL. Sometimes. But I only do this in black. Black forgives a multitude of sins.

So, I'm not perfect. I actually happen to think it can be very chic to find a rule YOU can break and make it your signature, i.e. my eyes/lips overkill thing.

Just know if I think you can't pull it off, I will call you out :-) In a nice way of course.

The Laws of Footwear

To be fair, I must preface this blog by saying:
I will wear UGGs, knee socks, and too-high heels with everything until the day I die.

Random Footwear Observations I've made of late:

Wearing black ankle boots makes you look like a witch. Especially with skirts, shorts, or (saints-preserve-us!) capris.

Ankle boots of any other color only work if you are under 20. And really, not even then in my book. It's just that if you're under 20, you didn't live through the 80s, and we all know how young'uns these days insist on making their own mistakes. But the rest of you SHOULD KNOW BETTER. For shame!

Dark leather/faux leather/suede knee high boots look trashy on white girls unless they are worn with tights. Sorry, white girls.

ENOUGH with the gladiator sandals. They are henious and look like a jealous pageant dress-slasher got loose in your closet and attacked your shoe collection.

Flip Flops DO NOT go with everything. Please, for the love of God, stop.

Clear platform heels are for strippers only.

I'm not even addressing Crocs. You need more help than I can give, my friend, if you own a pair and have allowed them to see the light of day.

A friendly reminder that fall is upon us...

OK darlings, we have about about two weeks until Labor Day...and we all know what that means right?

GET THE WHITE SHOES, PANTS, SHORTS, and heaven forbid DENIM OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM NOW.

I know it might still be hot, and maybe you just bought your white shoes on sale last week and want to get more use out of them, but it's just seasonally inappropriate after Labor Day. (That means you will look funny wearing it and people are talking about you behind your back.)

Please burn your white denim, especially if its a pair of skinny jeans.

And don't give me any sass about how these are old-school fashion rules that no longer apply...I KNOW you have something else to wear besides that WHITE pair of shoes or pants...I've seen all of the velvet & cords you've been wearing in July, and those knee high leather boots you insist on wearing during the summer.

Random Traveling Tales

If you know me well, you know that I am NOT HAPPY on an airplane without the window seat.

So yesterday when my flight took off, I opened the window as usual to bid farewell to my beloved Atlanta.

At the sight of all the gorgeous green disappearing beneath me, I immediately experienced a nauseating wave of homesickness, and tears started pouring down my face...so I shut the window.

I composed myself, ordered a cocktail, and talked my hilarious seatmate into getting the same (Mango-Peach Fuze & Vodka is THE BEST). We got slightly tipsy and had a random conversations about trains in Germany (although I have never been on a train or been to Germany).

After two Mango-Peach Fuze Vodkas, I decided it was safe to open the window again. GOD NO. Again, I started crying because it was BROWN, and there were UGLY MOUNTAINS, and NO GREEN anywhere...

So I got another cocktail. Thank God for those. And for my hilarious seatmate (holla, Grethel!).

Might Airtran consider offering in-flight Xanax?

You know, for a person who maybe needs a really good nap, but can't sleep on airplanes, and is maybe just a tad upset that Airtran decided their suitcase was oversize, although said person has flown their airline with the same suitcase at least 8 times and had no problems with it? Could you guys look into that for me? Thanks! xoxo

I'm saying this as a friend...

Dear Facebook Peeps,

I heart you all. But some of your status updates are TMI!!!

I'm telling you this because I care, like a good friend tells you when you have food in your teeth, or that your undergarments are showing, or that you should REALLY reconsider white skinny jeans.

Have you considered a diary?

XOXO,

Me

He was for real

Lifeguard: Hey cutie, where are yall from?
Me: My family's from GA, I live in L.A.
Lifeguard: Oh really? What part of Alabama are you from?
Me: Um, Los Angeles. CALIFORNIA.
Lifeguard: Oh, you meant, like, California!
Me: (fake laugh)
Lifeguard: Cuz, like I didn't know if you meant Lower Alabama. We got lots of people come here from there. L.A. Heheh.
Me: (Blank stare)
Lifeguard: So, did you drive?

Someone Please Give us a Reality Show

People watching at Sweetwater Brewery...

Jen: Oh there are my friends in line!
Me: That girl's dress is so cute!
Jen: Really? Thanks! She's my PROJECT.
Me: Your PROJECT? Does she know?
Jen: Oh yes! She's fully cooperative.
Me: You do great work.

Traumatized

Since 5pm today:

1. A man honked his horn at me & Jen on I-85, then proceeded to "honk his horn" at us if you know what I mean.

2. I went to the Saddest Happy Hour of my life...at a Brewery where they only serve Beer.

3. I spend the entire Sad Happy Hour thinking I had lost my phone. I found it, but am still very disturbed...until then I'd never considered the impact of losing my phone. I barely survived the traumatic texting incident of a few weeks ago.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know Christmas is 5 months away, but I have some things I really need before then.

1. A new iPod. Mine died. And you really can't expect me to endure 5 months of workouts without music to keep me motivated. Otherwise you'll have to bring me a new wardrobe a couple of sizes larger come December, and that's going to be really bulky in your sleigh, what with all the other stuff you'll be carrying. So it's really preventative measure.

2. Tickets to Britney at the Staples Center Sept. 23, 2009. I mean, that's not really something you can save for a stocking stuffer. Time is of essence.

3. One of those big, bling-y Juicy Couture key chains. See, I have this new job where I walk around with all kinds of keys all day, so the keychain is sort of like part of my outfit. It needs to make a STATEMENT. Plus, my regular keychain is full.

It's not asking for a lot, and it might make your workload a little lighter come Dec. 25. Its a win-win! Also, L.A. has the same weather all the time, so it will even FEEL like Christmas when you come.

Let me know what kind of cookies you want. I'll be waiting!

xoxo,

April

Safety Memo

Dear Pedestrians,

First, let me applaud your efforts to Save the Earth, Fight Obesity, Reduce America's Dependence on Foreign Oil, or whatever other noble causes inspire you to choose to walk, bike, rollerblade, or skateboard rather than drive around the streets of Hollywood.

But I feel I must warn you. This has not been a good driving week for me, darlings.

Highlights include recieving a $50 parking ticket (expired meter, 2 minutes too late, but what do they care? The city of L.A. has an important memorial to pay for people! They need the funds!). I also rear-ended a MERCEDES. In the SAME DAY.

Also, I am blonde, a woman, easily distracted by shiny objects, fond of singing/dancing with the radio in my car, and am at the mercy of my blackberry at all times.

So be forewarned. This not the week to jaywalk in front of me or walk out at a 4-way stop. I cannot be trusted with your personal safety.

Xoxo,

Me

Matchey- Matchey

So most of you know how I feel about exposed bra straps. Especially now, when Victoria's Secret has introduced this bra, there is really no excuse. I know we all have little slip ups (0r slip-outs, as it were) every now and then, but today I saw something totally new and it really concerns me.

Exposed Bra Straps with racerback tank. STRAPS. MATCHED. her hot pink skirt. I am not making this up yall. HOT PINK. MATCHING. BRA STRAPS. are not an accessory!

Dear, dear, dear. Oh, my. Oh my. Please make it stop.

Runyon Canyon

In the absence of my beloved Piedmont Park, I've found a substitute in Runyon Canyon. It's not quite the same, but charming in its own little California way.

I was invited to go "hiking" at Runyon Canyon. This is quite possibly the first time my name and "hiking" were used together in a sentence. Hmmm, I had heard that hiking was quite the "in" thing to do here, but unsure if it was for me. Did I need to wear a backpack? Bring "gear"? My friends assured me that yes, in fact, I could wear regular workout clothes and be fine with just a water bottle, and so I agreed.

That day I learned several things:

1. "Hiking" means walking up a really big hill.

2. It's a really AWESOME view from up there.

3. I am much better at going up hill than downhill. Is that weird?

4. Apparently it is OK to go "hiking" in a string bikini top.

It's the little things

Things that make my day, every day:

1. Mascara
2. Lip balm
3. SPF (preferably 70 or higher)
4. Lil' blue pods (yes, inside joke. Nope, not explaining if you aren't "inside" :-)
5. Bible
6. BRIGHT PINK lipstick
7. down comforter
8. Reisling
9. Ghiradelli
10. Starbucks
11. Blackberry
12. Naps
13. iPod
14. Letters from home
15. Calvin Klein (the cat)
16. Sunsets
17. Highlights
18. A great outfit
19. My pink furniture
20. Friends & family

Things I Ponder while on the Elliptical Machine

1. Why do guys wear black socks with shorts to the gym? (or anywhere else, for that matter)

2. Why do people still wear those plastic-y workout suits that make them sweat? Hasn't anyone told them it's only water weight they're getting rid of, and that it only really works for wrestlers pre-weigh in?

3. Grunters. pssst...just take a couple plates off.

4. Why don't people re-rack their huge 45lb. plates when they are done? And why do they put the 50 lb. dumbbells back in the rack clearly labeled "5 lbs"?????

5. The unbelievably high Visible Tramp-Stamp Count.

6. Why the gym has yet to repair the 2nd Elliptical machine from the right on the first row, which has been broken for 4 months.

7. Was that Lindor Truffle really worth 10 extra minutes of cardio?

YES. It was :-)

Thumbs up, Thumbs down

Kristen Chenoweth's sort-of autobiography is my new fave. (she's still pretty young, so hopefully she's got a few more yet-to-be-lived great stories coming!) This book seriously got me through the week...it's the book equivalent of a post-breakup pint of Haagen-dazs. It's really funny and just makes you feel better about life (and all the little parts of life that haven't exactly gone the way you planned).

I highly recommed :-)

On the other hand...

I tried a new mascara. This mascara. I have to say...it did not give me Great Lashes.

So what is UP with it being on every magazine's "This Season's Best Beauty Products" list? I'm not the cynical type, but am sadly now convinced that all ten spots on those lists are for sale.

This is the mascara equivalent of the Kardashians.

Why I love Kiefer Sutherland

Aside from that fantastic indie Freeway, here is another reason Kiefer Sutherland is awesome:

Yes, he did

First, I love a good head-butt (as a few of my past uncooperative boyfriends will tell you).

There are also many times I have wanted to head-butt a fashion designer (the one responsible for skinny jeans, Vera Bradley, Zac Posen for this.)

Mr. Sutherland actually went there, probation be damned.

Bravo, Kiefer!

Not sure if I should go there, but oh well...

Let me preface this by saying I am team Rihanna all the way.


But does anyone else find this black-tie football uniform the tiniest bit ironic as her first, ahem, post-incident appearance?

News Stories that should END

How awesome would it be to turn on the T.V. next week and not hear anything else about:

1. The SWINE flu
2. Octomom
3. The Obamas' new puppy
4. Heidi & Spencer Pratt
5. Any sort of rain in the L.A. forecast...stop getting my hopes up, Dallas Raines.

How to get my vote

Since becoming a California resident, I have voted issues from gay marriage to the size of cages for chickens, and I apprecitate that these are very important and relevant social issues. But let me tell you the issues I'd really like to vote on:

1. Install left turn arrows at all the major intersections.

2. Fix the broken parking meters, or don't give people tickets that park at meters that are broken!

3. Eliminate street sweeping days.

P.S. I'd also like an "I voted" sticker in my absentee ballot envelope :-)

Lil lesson in Southern pronunciation

I had my pronounciation of "naked" corrected yesterday. By a relative stranger. Although the person correcting me was by no means an expert on grammar, I was still in no position to correct him or point out his rudeness in "correcting" me in the first place. But sweetie, I knew exactly what ah wuz sayin'.

Naked, or Nekkid? Those are two completely different words in the South.

Naked is what Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden before that unfortunate Apple incident. The David statue is naked.

Nekkid is a whole different thing. Streakers are nekkid. Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over some nekkid pictures of her...

There is a difference, yes?

Are you still "Lost"???

Apparently, the producers of Lost think so. Last night I got comfy on the couch to watch the next exciting episode of Lost...and instead I watched the 18,452nd we're afraid that you're still confused about the smoke-monster, hatch, and time-travel so we'll AGAIN explain the entire show to you again from the beginning catch up episode.

What is up with this? I'll admit Lost has gotten somewhat convoluded, but the previous seasons are available on DVD.

Writers, I've gotta tell you, it really feels like you either A) Think I am incapable of following 16 simultaneous plot lines, or B) You really don't know how the heck to tie up this show so you're stalling for more time. Or maybe your producers have gone waaaay over budget and had to fill tonight's time slot with a montage of stuff that's already been shot. Either way, America is becoming suspicious...

I do applaud you for at least switching formats. The documentary style of last night's show was a refreshing change from the previous pop-up video style re-runs.

But if you're gonna hype us up all week with teasers, we deserve better than a one-hour re-run of the entire series.

Miss USA

Is it just me, or do these girls look EXACTLY alike, except one has a blue dress and one has a white one?

So Perez, was that really necessary? One girl gets a super-polarizing question and the other gets one that EVERYONE can agree on...

Couldn't we have just flipped a coin here?

To the residents of #314

Dear Apartment #314,

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I just want to let you know my bedroom is on the other side of your living-room based nightclub.

Also, my bedroom window is right next to your balcony.

First, let's talk about your playlist:
1. Britney
2. Katy Perry
3. Pink
4. Fergie
SERIOUSLY??? I don't know you that well, but from occasionally sharing an elevator with you I gather you are in the post-college-but-no-one-told-me-the-frat-party-is-over stage of your lives.

I love me some Britney, but I think your playlist might be hurting your image and chances with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Also, I'm really over "I Kissed A Girl" ESPECIALLY at 4am on Tuesday morning.

And keep in mind that I am all up in yo biznass about all kinds of things I'd rather not be, especially when said things are happening on your porch.

You seem like nice people, and I'm sure you don't mean to keep me up at all hours of the night with your loudness and tacky colored porch lights. But try GOING OUT next time you're in the mood to party...its what all the kids are doing these days. You should really try it.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm a really nice person, and if/when you allow me to recover from my sleep deprivation, I'm sure we could be friends.

But just keep in mind I also have an IHOME. With 2 speakers. That I'm considering aiming at your wall at 7am. I promise you I have an endless arsenal of Britney with which to pound your defenseless ears at 7am if you choose to ignore this warning.

Don't push me.

XOXO,

#313

Vests

I don't really understand the vest.

I know that there is some functional reason that people wear them to hike or do other outdoorsy things. I know this because they sell them at R.E.I. and I don't think R.E.I. would ever be guilty of selling an item purely for fashion.

People get a pass with the orange safety vest, because I'm sure they don't want to get run over or shot, but at the same time don't want to wear an entire outfit in that henious color.

And I'm sure there is a reason men wear them under tuxes that although now forgotten, was known and understood back in 1775. I'm all for tradition.

But assuming someone's not hiking, helping school children cross the street, a groomsman, a cowboy, or the vest is NOT made of kevlar...why do people wear them? It just looks a little funny to me over a perfectly good shirt that was fine on its own...or heaven forbid, we're not wearing vests as SHIRTS on their own are we? Oh dear...

Pssst...get over your new carpet already

I don’t get people who make others remove their shoes when entering their home. It's so inconsiderate. What if someone has embarrassing foot problems, i.e. odor, warts, fungus, or just really need a pedicure? Geez, people!

I mean, what is this particular carpet made of anyway? Cashmere?

First of all, your carpet is not as important as another person’s dignity. And I hate to break it to you, but no one notices your carpet…no one cares but you. And why do you care anyway? It’s carpet!! Its made to be on the floor, where people walk around. With shoes on. Deal with it. Or buy a cheap rug. Or don’t have guests over.

If you INSIST on embarrassing everyone that comes through your door by demanding they remove their shoes, or if you are a member of a culture or religion that is not really into people wearing shoes, at least give your guests a fair warning. You know, so they can wear nice socks, get a pedicure, or turn down an invite to a place where people are more interested in their carpet than their manners.

My Tweet on Twitter

I’m sure I will be forced to broil these words, season them, and choke them down (as was the case with MySpace and Facebook) so I’ll keep this brief.

First of all, who named it “Twitter”???!!! For the sake of being politically correct (yes, as a California resident even I have now contracted the PC disease) I won’t go into all of the things that are wrong with it being named Twitter. But Twitter? Who EVER decided it was cool to sign up for something called TWITTER?

Second, the Twitter website actually says “Find people. Follow them.” Aw heck, go ahead and Stalk ‘em.

And do you really need another way to know that your best friend’s cousin that you only met twice in your life is “pumped about her awesome weekend”?

When I wanted to talk to a friend back in the day, I could A. call her on the good ole land line, or B. send her a letter. Now I have to decide if I want to call someone’s cell, or work, or email them (again, personal or work?), or MySpace, or Facebook them. Oh, or text. I would add IM into this SAT-worthy problem-solving exercise, except that I don’t have IM. Yes, I know, I am the last person on earth that doesn’t IM. Or Twitter. Yet.

Geez. Its enough to make a person crawl back into bed, put a pillow over your head, and plead to be left alone. OK, so don’t leave me alone, I love you all and want you to call, email, post on my wall, read my awesome blog, etc. Just, please, don’t Twitter me into joining Twitter.

Plan B?

Has anyone else noticed anything a little, well, off about the Plan B commercials? (For those of you who haven’t seen them, Plan B is an over-the-counter morning after pill). Aside from the obviously disturbing fact that this product is even sold over the counter, here are a few little things I find strange about the ad:

All the girls are waking up ALONE in the comfort of their own fancy loft apartments. Where is the sketchy guy they hooked up with the night before that definitely can't afford child support? Or, preferably, their husband with whom they are not ready to have children?

They look way too pretty and unstressed…no one wakes up looking like that in the morning. Especially the morning after your birth control failed.

The scenes in the pharmacy…the girls walk in like they are picking up cough medicine. It seems like the stress & shock of "Oops! I might be pregnant and I don’t want a baby!" would show a teensy bit more.

However, I would rather see this commercial than that gross hairy armpit girl one.

Natasha Richardson

I was so sad to hear of Natasha Richardson's death last night. She was a wonderful actress. My heart goes out to her family and friends during this time.

I got chills when I heard of her accident a couple of days ago; it reminded me so much of the recent ordeal of my Mother's accident over the holidays. In fact, the reported cause of death, an epidural hematoma, is EXACTLY the injury my Mother sustained in her bicycle accident.

My family and I are so fortunate that 3 months later, she is HOME! We were initially told she might not even wake up for a year, and there was no way to predict what condition she would be in when and if she did...

I'm reminded by this tradgedy that I have truly seen God perform an actual miracle, (Old Testament style!) for my mother and for me. And that He is in control no matter what...I'm grateful for what He did for my mother, and my prayers will continue to go up for Ms. Richardson's family and friends as they deal with her loss.

Office Appropriate

I've rescued this oldie-but-goodie from my desolate, lonely, neglected MySpace blog...enjoy!

The overall stylishness of our country has been in a downward spiral since the 1950s. The office used to be a place where people still had some sense of pride in their appearance, but alas, the last stronghold of style and class in our country is slowly being toppled. Here are some simple steps YOU can take to reverse this trend and start dressing for success!!!

1. Claw Clips as a hair accessory. These have long since been relegated to a stylist's tool when performing a blow-out. You should not wear these outside of your house. Even if they have rhinestones. Especially if they have rhinestones.

2. Pant suits on women. Note: Check the rear view in a three-way mirror. Also, note pants hemlines and adjust accordingly. Also, bodies unfortunately do not stay the same size forever! Check your rearview every time you leave the house, not just when you buy the pants.

3. Suit rules: Hose are REQUIRED. I know you hate them, but I bet you also hate waking up before the sun to get to your suit-requiring job. And you do that anyway, don’t you?
When wearing a suit, makeup is also REQUIRED. I know, I know you “don't wear makeup”. Let’s try something new kids, you might even like it.
Dry hair (with a blow dryer) is REQUIRED. If you got up that late, what's another 20 minutes?
If you still think all of this is too much effort, then just do yourself and everyone else around you a favor and don't wear a suit.

4. Upon stepping off the platform after recieving your college diploma, lean over and remove the open-toe platform black sandals you've been wearing to bars/formals/etc.during college. Throw them in the trash and go directly to an established department store and purchase a pair of closed-toe neutral pumps. This is what you wear to work with your suit. (and dry, styled hair and makeup).

5. Buy a nice coat. No Northface at the office, please. (if you can wear it hiking or to a sporting event, then don't wear it to work).

6. "Casual" Fridays: Note the use of "casual" and not "sloppy". Wear a pair of dark denim jeans, preferably purchased within the last 3 years (after you check your rear-view, of course!) Shoes should be stylish flats or sneakers, not the kind you wear to the gym. Wear a cute top or sweater, no tees please. Rule of Thumb: Any pants, shirts, or shoes you would wear to clean or paint your house in are not casual office attire.

8. Don't mix and match. It sounds good in theory, but most people are really bad at the "match" part of the equation. Purchase outfits instead of peices.

9. Panty Lines. Yikes!

10. Wear a bra (appropriate in size, color, and support level).
Some friends of mine may be better "equipped" to give advice on this, but for starters:
NO WHITE. White shows up under white, check it out in the mirror under lights if you don't believe me. Buy something flesh toned, and please, save the lace for the bedroom. It makes these really funny looking bumbs under your blouse....and speaking of bumps under your blouse....
Padding is not just for the less-endowed. It is also great for keeping your personal body temperature a secret. And don't think no one is looking; believe me, everyone has noticed that you're cold! Bad bras will have people staring at you, and not in a good way. It's kind of like the way you can't help staring at a car accident. You know you shouldn't but it's so awesomely BAD you just can't believe it!
You wear a bra every day...spend the money and get one that does the job!

I promise taking the above advice is a really great career move :-)

Dorm Syndrome

The onset of Dorm Syndrome is most commonly seen in females during the freshman year of college. Well-bred young ladies who wouldn't be caught dead walking past their living room window in P.J.s and curlers suddenly begin to roam the halls of their dorm to their hearts content, taking out the trash with wet hair, getting the mail in mis-matched sweats, and coming down to the main floor (gasp!) bra-less to meet friends for a study group. Most people recover their modesty and good fashion sense, but I seem to be having a relapse.

Because I only have to walk to the end of the hall to get to the trash chute and my mail box is a short elevator ride a away, it's way too easy to convince myself that no one will see me in my claw clip, scrub pants, and Tshirt when I'm leaving the apartment but not the building. Thing is, this is NOT Brumby Hall at UGA.

Does anyone else have this problem? Because I've started to notice that I never meet anyone else roaming the building in their pajamas or meeting the delivery man in the lobby with wet hair. Oh God! It's starting...I'm letting myself go!

War on the Skinny Jean...

Last Saturday I purchased a pair of skinny jeans. Yes, friends, you read that correctly! I can hardly believe it myself.

I was finally forced into participation in one of the worst trends in recent years. How could did this happen, you ask? Well, it’s a long story, but involves “packing light” (which I’m convinced works well only for men), a hole in my favorite jeans in a rather inappropriate place, and last-minute, panic, I-only-have-time-for-one-store shopping trip. Talk about a recipe for a fashion disaster.

Would you believe EVERY PAIR of jeans in the store were skinny jeans?!? (with the exception of “mom-jeans” but we won’t even talk about those…)

And so I compromised, lowered my standards, and purchased the moderately-skinny pair, as opposed to the beginning-anorexic pair or the so-tight-they-might-as-well-be-really-thick-leggings pair.

It was truly a sad fashion moment for me in my lonely battle against the skinny jean.

I personally feel that they should be confined to a very small segment of the population, i.e. women (PLEASE, not men!), and preferably women who have no curves, have not had a baby, or are named Heidi Klum.

Another thing I’m really confused about in this skinny jeans trend is the whole “real women” or “big is beautiful” or “XYZ starlet is too skinny this week” movement…where are those people and why are they not speaking out against the skinny jean? Because making them in un-skinny sizes is NOT the answer people…

Cyber-Self-Esteem

Awesome quote from my BFF since 3rd grade: “Facebook and MySpace are all about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.” I have to admit she’s right!

In the past, most people had to wait until their high school reunion or rely on accounts from hometown relatives and friends to know who was married, divorced, cheating, had kids, or got fat. Now we can log on 24 hours a day and cyber-spy to our hearts content under the guise of an online “friendship.”

Facebook and MySpace give us an awesome platform from which to present ourselves to the outside world. You can upload only the best pictures of yourself, and use your status updates to proclaim to the world all of the awesome things that are happening to you (and if you’re smart, keep the not-so-great things to yourself). Then you can look up all of your “friends,” especially the ones you weren’t really friends with when you actually knew them in person, compare your profile to theirs, realize your life sounds way cooler, and pretend they are doing the same thing and wishing they had been nicer to you.

Is this healthy? Normal? Probably not. But I just can’t stop…and admit it, you were up until 2:30am last night too, comparing yourself to pics of your high school crush’s spouse and reassuring yourself that they TOTALLY missed out!

L.A. Law

Police definitely have different priorites on the West Coast...for one thing, I have noticed there are no speed traps out here. Instead they are busy doing things like:

Chasing a blonde meth chick driving a stolen U-haul back and forth across the L.A. area for several hours. (High Speed police chases are really popular here).

Sealing off a block in North Hollywood with 10 rolls of crime scene tape, evacuating a condo, and blocking everyone in to investigate a "suspicious" package, i.e. a silver briefcase.

Training "safety ambassadors" in yellow shirts to ride bikes around town and reprimand people for, um, I'm not sure what?

Giving people parking tickets for incorrectly interpreting signs that say things like "No parking on Mon, Wed, Fri, from 8am-6pm, Sat. 6pm-6am, Street Sweeping Mon. & Thurs. 10am-1pm"

Enforcing the "Honor System" on the L.A. Metro with random checks to see who actually bought their $1.25 ticket before they got on the train. (Automatic $90 ticket if you didn't).

Headed South

I'm so excited...this weekend I'll be flying home for a quick visit to Mom!

It seems like God is doing wonderful things for her this week...things we can actually see! I know that since Dec. 16 he has been working miracles in her healing, but up until now, they are things we couldn't see. He was healing her inside, healing her brain injuries, broken ribs, and doing all sorts of wonderful things, but they could not be SEEN. We've had to live out the definition of faith, believing the miracle before we could see it.

But now, God has rewarded our patience, and he is blessing us with outward signs that we can actually witness! I can't wait to be there myself!

I can't wait to hold my mother's hand and feel her squeeze it back, and to see her beautiful eyes open! I feel so blessed.

Hollywood Forever Cemetery

I know it sounds morbid, but I actually like cemeteries. They have a quiet, peaceful feel, and looking at all the crazy/cool stuff people put on their memorials can be really interesting.

One of my favorite things about this cemetery was the peacocks! They have peacocks roaming around freely! I even got some pictures with one. The peacocks have their own house, with the door open so they can come and go as they please. Add "peacock house" to the list for April's dream estate.

Here are some of the famous people buried here that we visited:
Renee Adoree
Charlie Chaplin, Jr.
Iron Eyes Cody
Cecil B. DeMille
Douglas Fairbanks Sr. & Jr.
Joan Hackett
Norma Talmadge
Jonny Ramone
Mel Blanc
(OK, so I don't know who some of these people are, but the map says they were famous!)

It was also funny to see the more recent memorials...a lot of them are foreign (read: not southern) people and they all have their pictures engraved somehow on their tombstones!

We couldn't find everyone we wanted to see because the Mausoleums were really confusing to navigate with the tourist map. But we had a great afternoon. Most of the cemetery is very pretty and peaceful, and feels more like a park with gardens & lakes & ducks (and peacocks!). We recommend it as a place to visit when you come out to see us (hint, hint! :-)

If you MUST revive 80s fashion...

Please have at least 2 layers over your bum if you are wearing leggings.

Please no shiny colored spandex...not even at the gym. (Yes, I have seen this)

Remember that it's not "Vintage" if it was previously worn by YOU!

If you were around for 80s fashion the first time, you've already had your turn. Let it go!

I actually recommend just not going there...let the 80s go and focus on turning over a new fashion leaf of fabulousness for yourself in 2009!