The Laws of Footwear

To be fair, I must preface this blog by saying:
I will wear UGGs, knee socks, and too-high heels with everything until the day I die.

Random Footwear Observations I've made of late:

Wearing black ankle boots makes you look like a witch. Especially with skirts, shorts, or (saints-preserve-us!) capris.

Ankle boots of any other color only work if you are under 20. And really, not even then in my book. It's just that if you're under 20, you didn't live through the 80s, and we all know how young'uns these days insist on making their own mistakes. But the rest of you SHOULD KNOW BETTER. For shame!

Dark leather/faux leather/suede knee high boots look trashy on white girls unless they are worn with tights. Sorry, white girls.

ENOUGH with the gladiator sandals. They are henious and look like a jealous pageant dress-slasher got loose in your closet and attacked your shoe collection.

Flip Flops DO NOT go with everything. Please, for the love of God, stop.

Clear platform heels are for strippers only.

I'm not even addressing Crocs. You need more help than I can give, my friend, if you own a pair and have allowed them to see the light of day.

A friendly reminder that fall is upon us...

OK darlings, we have about about two weeks until Labor Day...and we all know what that means right?

GET THE WHITE SHOES, PANTS, SHORTS, and heaven forbid DENIM OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM NOW.

I know it might still be hot, and maybe you just bought your white shoes on sale last week and want to get more use out of them, but it's just seasonally inappropriate after Labor Day. (That means you will look funny wearing it and people are talking about you behind your back.)

Please burn your white denim, especially if its a pair of skinny jeans.

And don't give me any sass about how these are old-school fashion rules that no longer apply...I KNOW you have something else to wear besides that WHITE pair of shoes or pants...I've seen all of the velvet & cords you've been wearing in July, and those knee high leather boots you insist on wearing during the summer.

Random Traveling Tales

If you know me well, you know that I am NOT HAPPY on an airplane without the window seat.

So yesterday when my flight took off, I opened the window as usual to bid farewell to my beloved Atlanta.

At the sight of all the gorgeous green disappearing beneath me, I immediately experienced a nauseating wave of homesickness, and tears started pouring down my face...so I shut the window.

I composed myself, ordered a cocktail, and talked my hilarious seatmate into getting the same (Mango-Peach Fuze & Vodka is THE BEST). We got slightly tipsy and had a random conversations about trains in Germany (although I have never been on a train or been to Germany).

After two Mango-Peach Fuze Vodkas, I decided it was safe to open the window again. GOD NO. Again, I started crying because it was BROWN, and there were UGLY MOUNTAINS, and NO GREEN anywhere...

So I got another cocktail. Thank God for those. And for my hilarious seatmate (holla, Grethel!).

Might Airtran consider offering in-flight Xanax?

You know, for a person who maybe needs a really good nap, but can't sleep on airplanes, and is maybe just a tad upset that Airtran decided their suitcase was oversize, although said person has flown their airline with the same suitcase at least 8 times and had no problems with it? Could you guys look into that for me? Thanks! xoxo

I'm saying this as a friend...

Dear Facebook Peeps,

I heart you all. But some of your status updates are TMI!!!

I'm telling you this because I care, like a good friend tells you when you have food in your teeth, or that your undergarments are showing, or that you should REALLY reconsider white skinny jeans.

Have you considered a diary?

XOXO,

Me

He was for real

Lifeguard: Hey cutie, where are yall from?
Me: My family's from GA, I live in L.A.
Lifeguard: Oh really? What part of Alabama are you from?
Me: Um, Los Angeles. CALIFORNIA.
Lifeguard: Oh, you meant, like, California!
Me: (fake laugh)
Lifeguard: Cuz, like I didn't know if you meant Lower Alabama. We got lots of people come here from there. L.A. Heheh.
Me: (Blank stare)
Lifeguard: So, did you drive?

Someone Please Give us a Reality Show

People watching at Sweetwater Brewery...

Jen: Oh there are my friends in line!
Me: That girl's dress is so cute!
Jen: Really? Thanks! She's my PROJECT.
Me: Your PROJECT? Does she know?
Jen: Oh yes! She's fully cooperative.
Me: You do great work.

Traumatized

Since 5pm today:

1. A man honked his horn at me & Jen on I-85, then proceeded to "honk his horn" at us if you know what I mean.

2. I went to the Saddest Happy Hour of my life...at a Brewery where they only serve Beer.

3. I spend the entire Sad Happy Hour thinking I had lost my phone. I found it, but am still very disturbed...until then I'd never considered the impact of losing my phone. I barely survived the traumatic texting incident of a few weeks ago.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know Christmas is 5 months away, but I have some things I really need before then.

1. A new iPod. Mine died. And you really can't expect me to endure 5 months of workouts without music to keep me motivated. Otherwise you'll have to bring me a new wardrobe a couple of sizes larger come December, and that's going to be really bulky in your sleigh, what with all the other stuff you'll be carrying. So it's really preventative measure.

2. Tickets to Britney at the Staples Center Sept. 23, 2009. I mean, that's not really something you can save for a stocking stuffer. Time is of essence.

3. One of those big, bling-y Juicy Couture key chains. See, I have this new job where I walk around with all kinds of keys all day, so the keychain is sort of like part of my outfit. It needs to make a STATEMENT. Plus, my regular keychain is full.

It's not asking for a lot, and it might make your workload a little lighter come Dec. 25. Its a win-win! Also, L.A. has the same weather all the time, so it will even FEEL like Christmas when you come.

Let me know what kind of cookies you want. I'll be waiting!

xoxo,

April