How to get my vote

Since becoming a California resident, I have voted issues from gay marriage to the size of cages for chickens, and I apprecitate that these are very important and relevant social issues. But let me tell you the issues I'd really like to vote on:

1. Install left turn arrows at all the major intersections.

2. Fix the broken parking meters, or don't give people tickets that park at meters that are broken!

3. Eliminate street sweeping days.

P.S. I'd also like an "I voted" sticker in my absentee ballot envelope :-)

Lil lesson in Southern pronunciation

I had my pronounciation of "naked" corrected yesterday. By a relative stranger. Although the person correcting me was by no means an expert on grammar, I was still in no position to correct him or point out his rudeness in "correcting" me in the first place. But sweetie, I knew exactly what ah wuz sayin'.

Naked, or Nekkid? Those are two completely different words in the South.

Naked is what Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden before that unfortunate Apple incident. The David statue is naked.

Nekkid is a whole different thing. Streakers are nekkid. Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over some nekkid pictures of her...

There is a difference, yes?

Are you still "Lost"???

Apparently, the producers of Lost think so. Last night I got comfy on the couch to watch the next exciting episode of Lost...and instead I watched the 18,452nd we're afraid that you're still confused about the smoke-monster, hatch, and time-travel so we'll AGAIN explain the entire show to you again from the beginning catch up episode.

What is up with this? I'll admit Lost has gotten somewhat convoluded, but the previous seasons are available on DVD.

Writers, I've gotta tell you, it really feels like you either A) Think I am incapable of following 16 simultaneous plot lines, or B) You really don't know how the heck to tie up this show so you're stalling for more time. Or maybe your producers have gone waaaay over budget and had to fill tonight's time slot with a montage of stuff that's already been shot. Either way, America is becoming suspicious...

I do applaud you for at least switching formats. The documentary style of last night's show was a refreshing change from the previous pop-up video style re-runs.

But if you're gonna hype us up all week with teasers, we deserve better than a one-hour re-run of the entire series.

Miss USA

Is it just me, or do these girls look EXACTLY alike, except one has a blue dress and one has a white one?

So Perez, was that really necessary? One girl gets a super-polarizing question and the other gets one that EVERYONE can agree on...

Couldn't we have just flipped a coin here?

To the residents of #314

Dear Apartment #314,

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I just want to let you know my bedroom is on the other side of your living-room based nightclub.

Also, my bedroom window is right next to your balcony.

First, let's talk about your playlist:
1. Britney
2. Katy Perry
3. Pink
4. Fergie
SERIOUSLY??? I don't know you that well, but from occasionally sharing an elevator with you I gather you are in the post-college-but-no-one-told-me-the-frat-party-is-over stage of your lives.

I love me some Britney, but I think your playlist might be hurting your image and chances with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Also, I'm really over "I Kissed A Girl" ESPECIALLY at 4am on Tuesday morning.

And keep in mind that I am all up in yo biznass about all kinds of things I'd rather not be, especially when said things are happening on your porch.

You seem like nice people, and I'm sure you don't mean to keep me up at all hours of the night with your loudness and tacky colored porch lights. But try GOING OUT next time you're in the mood to party...its what all the kids are doing these days. You should really try it.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm a really nice person, and if/when you allow me to recover from my sleep deprivation, I'm sure we could be friends.

But just keep in mind I also have an IHOME. With 2 speakers. That I'm considering aiming at your wall at 7am. I promise you I have an endless arsenal of Britney with which to pound your defenseless ears at 7am if you choose to ignore this warning.

Don't push me.

XOXO,

#313

Vests

I don't really understand the vest.

I know that there is some functional reason that people wear them to hike or do other outdoorsy things. I know this because they sell them at R.E.I. and I don't think R.E.I. would ever be guilty of selling an item purely for fashion.

People get a pass with the orange safety vest, because I'm sure they don't want to get run over or shot, but at the same time don't want to wear an entire outfit in that henious color.

And I'm sure there is a reason men wear them under tuxes that although now forgotten, was known and understood back in 1775. I'm all for tradition.

But assuming someone's not hiking, helping school children cross the street, a groomsman, a cowboy, or the vest is NOT made of kevlar...why do people wear them? It just looks a little funny to me over a perfectly good shirt that was fine on its own...or heaven forbid, we're not wearing vests as SHIRTS on their own are we? Oh dear...

Pssst...get over your new carpet already

I don’t get people who make others remove their shoes when entering their home. It's so inconsiderate. What if someone has embarrassing foot problems, i.e. odor, warts, fungus, or just really need a pedicure? Geez, people!

I mean, what is this particular carpet made of anyway? Cashmere?

First of all, your carpet is not as important as another person’s dignity. And I hate to break it to you, but no one notices your carpet…no one cares but you. And why do you care anyway? It’s carpet!! Its made to be on the floor, where people walk around. With shoes on. Deal with it. Or buy a cheap rug. Or don’t have guests over.

If you INSIST on embarrassing everyone that comes through your door by demanding they remove their shoes, or if you are a member of a culture or religion that is not really into people wearing shoes, at least give your guests a fair warning. You know, so they can wear nice socks, get a pedicure, or turn down an invite to a place where people are more interested in their carpet than their manners.