Postscript to "Ode to THE SWEATER"

Today is five weeks ago to the day that I lost THE SWEATER on an airplane.

And today, here I sit in 11F, the exact seat where I left it. I kid you not. Airtran is mocking me and my carelessness. I actually did a quick search as I took my cursed seat, hoping I would see it, but it's really gone.

What are the odds???

Trash Red

I first noticed this disturbing trend on Valentine's Day...at the bar in a very nice sushi place. I looked around and saw three women wearing various versions of this horrendous color I refer to as "TRASH RED."

I'd add a pic here, but due to variations in color in photos, lighting, and screen, I don't want to risk insulting the other shades of red. I'll just describe it as everything that can go wrong with red all rolled into one eye-offending shade: orange-y, cheap, faded, bad fabric...just vulgar.

It also makes the wearer appear cheap, vulgar, trashy, and easy. And much like an eyesore home in a ritzy neighborhood brings down property values, TRASH RED brings down any sort of label status your other garments may have. Prada, Chanel, Oscar de la Renta, Louis Vuitton...bah! You are no match for the TRASH RED.

I was sort of hoping these ladies were misguided in their attempts to theme out their outfits to match Valentines Day. But alas, I should have realized that three random girls in the same room wearing that exact shade was more than a coincidence. As I feared, TRASH RED is now a trend and many TRASH RED garments are being produced and are available to the public en masse.

Do not fall this ladies...I don't care how classy you are, no one can pull this off. The TRASH RED will make you look like a hussy.

To Compliment or Not to Compliment...

There is a lot of BAD FASHION out there (and I use the term "fashion" loosely).

I know most people don't set out to look bad, but unfortunately many do...so when someone nails it, I really try to go out of my way to compliment them, to encourage more of the same.

Yesterday at the gas station, this cute girl was pumping gas and at first glance, I thought she had a super-cute, classy little Audrey Hepburn ensemble going on. Little black ballet flats, a black cardigan buttoned with the hem of a bright turquoise top peeping out to brighten things up, fitted black pants...WAIT, ARE THOSE LEGGINGS???????!!!!! AHHHH!!!! (and I could see her butt-crack outline. HORRORS.)

So, 3/4 of her outfit was totally cute, but I withheld the compliment due to the one-layer-over-the-bum violation. As many a belle will tell you, leggings do not stand alone as pants.

Then later I felt guilty, because aside from that it was one of the cutest going-to-the-gas-station/running-errands looks I've seen here. After all, the standards for that sort of thing out here on the West Coast are pretty low. I mean, at least she was DRESSED.

Was I too harsh?

Oscar Notes

Things I would like to ban from next year's Awards show Red Carpets:

Shoes with ankle straps

Black dresses

Dresses that match the wearer's skin tone

Rain

Politics

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your...

I have a confession to make: I check out other girls' racks. Like, so much that I really couldn't get mad at a guy I was dating for doing the same thing. (Note to potential suitors: Its still a good idea to be discrete if you do it while you're with me. xoxo) I don''t think that we have the same motivation for checking them out, but I understand where poor dude is coming from.

I have no issues with my own assets, but I am really fascinated with girls who have huge breasts, real or faux, and that REALLY PUT IT OUT THERE. And then get mad at you for staring...

I saw two girls today while I was hiking, whom I'm 99.999% sure paid for their cup size (possibly a buy-two-get-two free scenario?) and had on probably the same size sports bra that I was wearing. How can anyone not stare at that?

Faux boobs defy gravity in the weirdest way...I can't help but wonder when they lay down at night if those things sit at attention as perkily as they do in their obviously unneccessary push-up bra. And most of the boob jobs I've seen have this odd crater-like cavern between them instead of normal cleavage. Famous people who can afford good doctors still come out looking like that...why don't they fix it? Is it just a hazard of shoving 5 lbs of silicone in a space created for 1lb of flesh, or was the doc just having an off day?

And why do girls who have fake boobs always flash everyone and invite everyone to touch their breasts when they get drunk at parties? Keep them to yourself ladies!!! Just because you paid $$$$ for them doesn't mean you should show them off to the world like you would a Tiffany bracelet. Although I've never taken any of these girls up on their offer to actually touch them, I DO have this inexplicable urge to poke one...will it pop? Bounce back? Break my fingernail?

I'm also amazed by women, faux or natural, who don't wear a bra but clearly need one. I could arguably get away with the no-bra thing for the most part, but wear one out of a sense of modesty and decency. Please don't advertise that you are wearing no underwear girls!

I saw another girl (they were OUT and ABOUT today, apparently) with what I'm fairly sure was natural size E or F or some such, and she had on a super-tight Tshirt that said HOOTERS in huge letters across her hooters. (Note: it was not a Hooters uniform nor were we in any close proximity to that restraunt).

I'm sorry, I have to stare at that. Just, WOW.