Tootin' my horn

You guys, March is going to be a pretty amazing month for me.

First, come to my graduation show from level 201 at Upright Citizens Brigade on March 13 at 1:3opm. Yes, I realize it's only level 201. Also, you should realize I have also attended your shows as well that may or may not have sucked. This show could be bad or amazing. My classmates are pretty dang funny. So, suck it up and come, and if you do I'll let you come to the party I'm throwing on the roof of Hollywood Tower for the class.

You should also come to my very first red carpet premier, "Head Over Spurs in Love" playing March 24 at 7 pm at the Majestic Theatre in Westwood. Let me know and I'll put you on the guest list. This is your only chance to see my honest reaction to a vibrator (but no, it's not that kind of movie!)

Also, my leg is in a tampon commercial. See my Facebook page.

xoxo,

April

Good Intentions...

Me: Andi, my car won't start. Do you know anyone that has jumper cables?

Andi: No, sorry boo.

Me: God obviously doesn't want me at church this morning.

Andi: No, the DEVIL doesn't want you to go to church.

The Birds and the Bees...

Someone seriously needs to have this conversation with Young Hollywood.

Why do so many celebs get knocked up? We live in an age where people have their choice of sophisticated birth control methods, and as expensive as some of them are, I'm pretty sure their SAG insurance will cover it.

"Accidents" do happen once in a while, but it just seems like these people are not trying very hard. Does anyone else still agree that it's a pretty good idea to get married or at least decide this person is your Life Partner before ETERNALLY linking yourself with significant-other-of-the-month by having a baby with them?

Case in Point: NATALIE PORTMAN, who felt the need to make sure we all knew exactly what happened during her Golden Globes acceptance speech, just in case anyone was still confused....others include: Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson, Katie Holmes, Nicole Richie, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, and that model chick that had a baby with Matthew McConaughey.

I know these people have loads of money, can hire someone to raise the kid, and have big enough homes to just put it in another wing of the house entirely and be able to forget it even exists once they get bored with being a mom, but I still can't believe one could have such a blase attitude about being responsible for the creation of another human being.

Also, ladies, I hear having a baby totally ruins your figure and you can only fix so much with surgery. Even if a girl's moral compass is completely broken, surely THAT still matters????

Oh, Kelly, No

When I heard that Kelly Osbourne was now hosting E!'s "Fashion Police" I thought it was a joke. But the girl has really worked through all the fashion issues that come from being Ozzy's offspring, and I must admit, she cleans up well. Well done Kelly. I'm a fan.

But this, Kelly, THIS:

This reminds me of when Courtney Love took a swing at classing it up a few years ago, and was sooooo close but missed it by a hairbrush and a badly placed lipstick swipe.

"Fashion Police" is an uber-catty show in which the hosts throw out combinations of the best of compliments and the worst insults you've ever heard about another human being's clothing choices, often in the same breath. If you have the balls to rip apart a couture gown worn by an Oscar-winning actress on national television, then frankly Kelly, you're going to have to look a lot better than this while you're doing it.

This particular shot is from the episode during which they critiqued the Golden Globes red carpet. That episode would have been WAY more entertaining if Joan Rivers had stopped in the middle of the show and announced they were now going to have an INTERVENTION with Kelly about puffed sleeves, proper fit, hair and makeup, how you should donate or burn ugly bridesmaid's dresses immediately after the wedding, and under no circumstances should they ever appear in public again, let alone on a nationally televised show.

But I'm still proud of your progress Kelly O. Keep it up!

Aunty April hosts a slumber party

My 9 year old niece, her friend, and my 5 year old nephew came over to spend the night with "Aunty April" (yes, they really call me that...makes me sound 90, I know).

I began by bragging that I know people who know Saleena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and all the other stars of "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Sonny with a Chance." Now I am faced with enormous pressure to produce autographed 8x10s of the stars next time I come home.

Next, I led them in a game of chase, ending in all four of us being chastised by my Mom for running in the house. We downgraded to hide-and-seek, but that didn't go much better.

I then thought it would be a good idea to make them ice-cream, which Mom insisted we eat in the kitchen. I also gave them second helpings. I now realize this means we'll be awake until 5 am.

We then went outside to check the snow and hosted a weather report for Pap and Mia, but not before my niece proceeded to leap 3 feet from our back porch into the ice/snow, and I nearly strangled my nephew in an effort to keep him from doing the same....

I also participated in a Barbie fashion show, a game of dominoes where you actually just build things, and then proceeded to give ALL of them makeovers, even my nephew, whom I know will hate me for that in 10 years.

I am now the coolest "aunty" ever, and even more convinced that I never want to babysit and will be a terrible mother.

Enough Weather-girl!!!

Unless your cable is out because of it, I'm sure you are aware the that for the second time in less than a month, the South is in the throes of a pretty huge snowstorm. (My favorite nickmame for it so far is "Snowpacolypse 2011").

We're all pretty dang excited about it, especially me because living in SoCal I now see less snow than even before.

I'll admit we Southerners go a little crazy at the mention of snow...suddenly cleaning out the grocery of bread and milk, demanding the closure of school and work for any accumulation over an inch, etc. And because of this we take a lot of ribbing from our Yankee neighbors and Northern trasplants for our silly behavior.

But I have to say, I've been glued to the Weather Channel all day, and Weather-chick is getting under my skin right about now. She's simultaneously covering the "sledding" going on at Piedmont Park and mocking said sleds, which are actually pieces of cardboard, inner-tubes, sheets of plexiglass, and about anything else we can get our hands on that will send us flying down a snow-covered hill. In one of her more southern-moments she remarked she'd "never heard of such!" She also didn't understand why there weren't more snow plows out.

Listen lady. We are sledding down the hill with deflated pool floats because we don't HAVE sleds. We don't want to go to work because we don't know how to drive in the snow. Most of us have never even seen snow-chains or whatever the heck you put on your tires to drive around in this stuff. Our DOT doesn't have snow-plows either. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SNOW HERE!!!! Which you should know, since I'm hoping you went to some sort of weather school or training before they put you on the air.

Thanks for letting me vent guys. Now get back to your snow angels and hot cocoa!

I am a Traitor

My family is currently on our 5th generation of Auburn Tigers. When I was 18 I made the controversial decision to attend the University of Georgia. To those of you not well-versed in SEC history, the Georgia/Auburn rivalry is one of oldest and most bitter in the conference. So I've taken a lot of good-natured flack from my family since college. But my Auburn dad has always given me a ticket to the game when I could go, and we've always been taught that everyone has the right to cheer for their team, and have never publicly trash-talked the other fans, etc. which is way more than I can say for a lot of other team's fans (hello, LSU, Florida).

It was always really embarrassing for me to accompany my family to the Auburn/GA game hosted in Athens, dressed in my red and black, and hear drunk fans heckling my family members. I'm not saying every team doesn't have some of those fans. But I have often been to Auburn for this game, also wearing red and black, and never been treated half as rudely as my family was on our home turf.

Fast forward to 2010...I've suffered through a disappointing Georgia season. Meanwhile, Auburn is having an incredible undefeated season, a place in the SEC Championship game, and a shot at the BCS title game. I'm happy for them, and for my two brothers at Auburn.

My dad gave me a ticket to the Auburn game, and I wore my Auburn gear and had a great time tailgating with my Auburn friends and family. I was quietly rooting for my Dawgs and was proud of their showing at the game except for all the trash at the end which did come from BOTH TEAMS.

After the game, checking my facebook page felt like walking through a crowd of opposing fans...guys, keep that stuff off my wall, please. I know you didn't mean it personally, but it's hard not to take it that way. It's a lot easier to be the lone DAWG in a Tiger family when I'm proud of my own team and fans, and not being heckled by them for wearing a damn Tshirt.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

A