I will haunt you if anyone does this to me

Did you guys know that if you get cremated they will ship you through the mail?

I saw this woman in line at the post office mailing the ashes of her dearly beloved recently deceased. How did I know that's what she was mailing? Because they were in a ZIPLOCK BAG. Is that weird to anyone else?

Apparently that is the only way you're allowed to ship your dead relatives. Which seems a little creepy to me but I guess there's no getting around it sometimes, like, if you are shipping them to Europe (she was).

But in a ZIPLOCK BAG???? I find this disrespectful, disturbing, weird, etc. but I would have to invent a new adjective to fully describe just how much this freaks me out.

So just to put it out there, I prefer not to be creamated at all. But if someone allows this and then just pours me into a ziplock bag instead of the Tiffany crystal vase I deserve, I will make them pay dearly from the afterlife.

I WILL wear a costume to your party

This weekend I got to dress up not ONCE, but TWICE!!! Friday was a masquerade party. I tried my darndest to pull off dressing up like a peacock while staying within the confines of "cocktail attire." Feel free to comment on how well you think I did...

Saturday was a double-party day, and one of them sort of had to do with St. Patrick's Day so I dressed up as....what else??? Holly Madison on a mission to seduce a leprechaun, of course. I asked my friends if it was too much. I'm not sure if they lied to me or not, but I wore those knee socks all day. There is no photographic evidence of this, but don't worry...I'm sure I''ll find an excuse to wear it again.

All of this to say...be forewarned: If you invite me to a party with any sort of theme, I will interpret it as a costume party and show up that way. Also, my apologies to all the celebs whose clothes I critique on this blog. Although, in my defense, paparrazzi don't follow me around and take pics of me when I'm dressed crazy.

Tootin' my horn

You guys, March is going to be a pretty amazing month for me.

First, come to my graduation show from level 201 at Upright Citizens Brigade on March 13 at 1:3opm. Yes, I realize it's only level 201. Also, you should realize I have also attended your shows as well that may or may not have sucked. This show could be bad or amazing. My classmates are pretty dang funny. So, suck it up and come, and if you do I'll let you come to the party I'm throwing on the roof of Hollywood Tower for the class.

You should also come to my very first red carpet premier, "Head Over Spurs in Love" playing March 24 at 7 pm at the Majestic Theatre in Westwood. Let me know and I'll put you on the guest list. This is your only chance to see my honest reaction to a vibrator (but no, it's not that kind of movie!)

Also, my leg is in a tampon commercial. See my Facebook page.

xoxo,

April

Good Intentions...

Me: Andi, my car won't start. Do you know anyone that has jumper cables?

Andi: No, sorry boo.

Me: God obviously doesn't want me at church this morning.

Andi: No, the DEVIL doesn't want you to go to church.

The Birds and the Bees...

Someone seriously needs to have this conversation with Young Hollywood.

Why do so many celebs get knocked up? We live in an age where people have their choice of sophisticated birth control methods, and as expensive as some of them are, I'm pretty sure their SAG insurance will cover it.

"Accidents" do happen once in a while, but it just seems like these people are not trying very hard. Does anyone else still agree that it's a pretty good idea to get married or at least decide this person is your Life Partner before ETERNALLY linking yourself with significant-other-of-the-month by having a baby with them?

Case in Point: NATALIE PORTMAN, who felt the need to make sure we all knew exactly what happened during her Golden Globes acceptance speech, just in case anyone was still confused....others include: Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson, Katie Holmes, Nicole Richie, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, and that model chick that had a baby with Matthew McConaughey.

I know these people have loads of money, can hire someone to raise the kid, and have big enough homes to just put it in another wing of the house entirely and be able to forget it even exists once they get bored with being a mom, but I still can't believe one could have such a blase attitude about being responsible for the creation of another human being.

Also, ladies, I hear having a baby totally ruins your figure and you can only fix so much with surgery. Even if a girl's moral compass is completely broken, surely THAT still matters????

Oh, Kelly, No

When I heard that Kelly Osbourne was now hosting E!'s "Fashion Police" I thought it was a joke. But the girl has really worked through all the fashion issues that come from being Ozzy's offspring, and I must admit, she cleans up well. Well done Kelly. I'm a fan.

But this, Kelly, THIS:

This reminds me of when Courtney Love took a swing at classing it up a few years ago, and was sooooo close but missed it by a hairbrush and a badly placed lipstick swipe.

"Fashion Police" is an uber-catty show in which the hosts throw out combinations of the best of compliments and the worst insults you've ever heard about another human being's clothing choices, often in the same breath. If you have the balls to rip apart a couture gown worn by an Oscar-winning actress on national television, then frankly Kelly, you're going to have to look a lot better than this while you're doing it.

This particular shot is from the episode during which they critiqued the Golden Globes red carpet. That episode would have been WAY more entertaining if Joan Rivers had stopped in the middle of the show and announced they were now going to have an INTERVENTION with Kelly about puffed sleeves, proper fit, hair and makeup, how you should donate or burn ugly bridesmaid's dresses immediately after the wedding, and under no circumstances should they ever appear in public again, let alone on a nationally televised show.

But I'm still proud of your progress Kelly O. Keep it up!

Aunty April hosts a slumber party

My 9 year old niece, her friend, and my 5 year old nephew came over to spend the night with "Aunty April" (yes, they really call me that...makes me sound 90, I know).

I began by bragging that I know people who know Saleena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and all the other stars of "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Sonny with a Chance." Now I am faced with enormous pressure to produce autographed 8x10s of the stars next time I come home.

Next, I led them in a game of chase, ending in all four of us being chastised by my Mom for running in the house. We downgraded to hide-and-seek, but that didn't go much better.

I then thought it would be a good idea to make them ice-cream, which Mom insisted we eat in the kitchen. I also gave them second helpings. I now realize this means we'll be awake until 5 am.

We then went outside to check the snow and hosted a weather report for Pap and Mia, but not before my niece proceeded to leap 3 feet from our back porch into the ice/snow, and I nearly strangled my nephew in an effort to keep him from doing the same....

I also participated in a Barbie fashion show, a game of dominoes where you actually just build things, and then proceeded to give ALL of them makeovers, even my nephew, whom I know will hate me for that in 10 years.

I am now the coolest "aunty" ever, and even more convinced that I never want to babysit and will be a terrible mother.